What Was I Made For; Which Door at 64?

A blank page...  I haven't been here in so long, but I feel I have something to say.  I'm not even sure I know where to start, which is not unusual for me, but start I must.   I have things I still wonder about, need to learn; places to run, experience and be in awe over.  Why am I here... now that is a recurring question that has gone on for decades.  Maybe you relate or maybe you know exactly what you were made for and are completely confident and comfortable with where you are in this season of life. I usually am not. There are days when I feel that kind of assurance and there are even more days when I can't seem to keep my balance, fall on my face, get up again with shaky legs and wonder why I can't seem to find my way.  I know Jesus loves me.  I know God has a plan for my life.  The question is, am I living in His purposes?  Is walking with Him always this hard or am I making it harder than it needs to be?  I hope so.  I hope as I write, I will somehow come to a peaceful conclusion; a way to bring the peace I long for; a way to get outside myself and be others focused.

Age 64 will happen, ready or not, in four weeks and I don’t have a to-do-list written down.  I love the phrase, “If you think it, ink it!”, but what does my list, bucket or daily mundane happenings look like?  I’m not sure, but I am certain if I will “Seek first God’s Kingdom and His righteousness, all these other things will be added to me”.  I know He is the author and finisher of my faith and that I am supposed to rest in Him, but I don’t feel restful a lot of the time.  I’m a dreamer, a visionary; that is a good and a bad thing.  Good because being creative, setting goals and moving forward to see a dream realized is exciting and rewarding.  Bad because I spend a lot of time dreaming and not doing; I am uncertain of which steps to take.  If money were no object, if I had enough time, if I knew all the right people, if I were in shape physically and had the energy of an eighteen year old and the wisdom of an eighty year old, then life would take shape, multitudes would be helped, restored and I would have a vegetable garden and a guest cottage with flower boxes on every window.  “If a frog had wings, it wouldn’t bump its butt every time it jumped”.   

So here I am trying to get myself straightened out and I am about to embark upon a challenge like no other I’ve considered.  There is a book our staff ladies’ Bible study group… all four of us, three of whom are young enough to be my daughters… have decided to tackle together.  “7” by Jen Hatmaker.  I had heard of this experiment regarding the simplification of life from my girls, but now I’m going to get right in the middle of it.  This is scary and exciting at the same time.  Scary because I don’t want this to be one more thing I fail at, and exciting because I think if I will persevere, de-clutter my life for the next 7 months in areas of excess, I will see Jesus much more clearly; there will be more room for Him instead of all my ‘stuff’.  I told Darrell, my sweet husband who listens to my rambling without complaint, about this project and assured him it was the perfect time to tackle our spending habits since we don’t have money to spend anyway. He chuckled.  I would hope that if we had an abundance monetarily that I would still pare down, spend less and give more.  I keep chatting with God about this and assure Him that I can totally handle being rich for His glory. Perhaps He is wanting me to glorify Him regardless of what state I find myself in?  Uh, yeah!  I think what I am hearing is that this new blog entry, after being dormant for several years, is for the purpose of journaling my journey as I listen for Holy Spirit to "show me great and mighty things I have never known before". He does that you know.  So, here we go… Blog entry #1 regarding letting God take charge, slowing down, de-cluttering, enjoying this path and crying when necessary.  God bless you and come along with me if you want.