Musings of a Coach's Wife...

I am pondering my life right now; at exactly 4:16 PM on a Monday afternoon, I'm thinking about what is hard and flipping that over to see how blessed I really am. Fall is one of my most favorite seasons for alot of reasons and in fact, this last weekend was great with cool breezes, a Southern Living party with girlfriends out on our screened porch, some rewarding yardwork, a visit with one of my little granddaughters, and MUCH needed time with my husband.... with him actually awake. Football season is the worst for perfecting our communication skills let me tell you; but it's only a season that lasts from August through November. My sweetheart, who I have loved for the last 38 years, is bone tired during those months and very focused on high school football. So many responsibilities in a world I am not really involved with, other than attending most of his football games. He has a circle of friends and co-workers I am barely familiar with and though I am the most intmatly acquainted person on earth with this man, I sometimes feel estranged at some level. I see him only from a distance it sometimes seems... but I do get to see him and I love what he does. I love that so many people respect and honor him; I love that he has a positive influence on kids and that he is mentoring young men who help him coach. At the same time, I wrestle with loneliness in the deepest part of who I am and often fight off a bit of depression because of our seasonal disconnection.... and if I am honest, and I will be honest... bitterness tries to raise it's ugly head, but we'll have none of that. I've got the scoop on that lying spirit and I love Darrell Lee Selke way too much to let the busyness of his life cause a root of bitterness to have it's way in me. That's happened before in our younger years and it's a pit I do not wish to have to climb out of again. I am learning that it is better to do something; anything productive rather than sit in a chair watching a TV show or movie under the guise of "spending time together" while he's really sleeping. Just to sit there waiting for him to wake up only causes all the afore mentioned oppressive attributes to fester, causing my good perspective on life to get somewhat distorted and out of focus. Saturday when this familiar scenario began I decided to leave; not out of anger or bitterness, but out of the desire to stay loving and kind-hearted toward my man. FYI... you must understand that this husband of mine had only slept for about 6 hours total in the last two nights; so sleeping was not something he had control over; it was something he truly needed. So he slept and never knew I was gone until about two hours later. I did some shopping and went over to my son's house and so enjoyed my time with him, Adrielle, and their little Miss Skyler. It was refreshing to sit out around their fire pit for a good visit. Adrielle cooked hotdogs, Skyler and I went to play on her swingset, and Coby tried to keep from burning down the house with his manly fire. ha-ha I love being with family and being together with them is always encouraging and life-giving to my soul. Darrell called while I was there and had slept well, but was surprised that he hadn't realized I'd left. However, we're all the better for it I believe. I was so glad to see him when I returned; the sadness had lifted and there was no frustration with our circumstances. Sunday morning we sat out in the backyard snuggled up on the glider with those cool fall breezes blowing our cares away. We talked and dreamed together; held each other and I loved being once again cradled in his arms. He knew I was there and feeling the reality of his care and attention took my breath away; as though our hearts had touched that place when love was new. We're still making memories and I love this man I married. If we could go back in time I would marry him all over again .