Pondering My Own Thoughts Again

Written in 2007

God Speaks To A Hungry Heart...

After our discussion about prayer last night during lifegroup, I was troubled and wondering. It seemed so many were floundering; not knowing what the will of God is in light of our own or other people's painful circumstances. So much heartache in the world around us and frustration that we are many times unable to make a difference through prayer. As I have been seeking God these past few weeks on this very subject; asking Him to examine and convict my heart of any nook or cranny that is not fully surrendered to Him; I believe He is showing me, at least on a personal level, some things about my walk of faith with Him. His Word is His will and if that is true, then we can not dispute what He says. We cannot put more faith in even a good man's experience rather than in God's Word that He "exalts above all His name", can we? He says, "I wish above all things that you would prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers." He says, "Lay hands on the sick and they WILL recover." Why aren't they recovering?! Saying that sometimes God is in cahoots with the enemy and that it is His will to kill, steal, and destroy to teach us a lesson just does not cut it for me. That does not bear witness in my spirit. I don't know all the answers, but I do know that in the fogginess of my heart and mind within this imperfect state in which I find myself; I am persuaded that if there are any flaws; they are mine, not God's. I see that truly, by the love of Him who lives in me that I must NEVER stop crying out to God for folks who are sick and hurting. How can we? We must never stop expecting to see miracles in this lifetime. I'd rather step out on the water with Jesus, sink, and let Him help me up again than to never step out at all. There's just nothing new under the sun, is there? Believers have struggled with the subject of faith since the beginning of time. Let me just say; I'm so glad I have people to walk with who genuinely seek to know more; who passionately desire to walk with Jesus intimately and are open to hearing Truth even if we thought we knew and understood, only to find out we didn't. God is breaking down walls, growing us up, purifying our hearts, and raising us to another level with Him in our faith I believe. I find myself wanting to be more committed than ever, but wondering if I've got the guts to sacrifice my time, energy, resources, my agenda; my question to myself is... Will I, in fact, die to my flesh in order to see the face of God? Will I put aside those things which so easily beset me in order to walk in His miraculous power and love and then share what He has given with others? Will I be humble enough to let go of my own thoughts or the teachings of good well-meaning people who may even love Jesus; in order to allow the Spirit of God to teach me Himself? Those are the questions I am asking myself today. So, I am encouraged. God is my strong tower; my help in times of trouble and when I do not understand, He carries me and draws me close to His heart. A friend who I have known for nearly thirty years and who has voiced these same struggles, emailed me just yesterday and shared a scripture from Hebrews 11:13 which brings life into perspective I think, "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth." We are passing through, aren't we? We will stand in faith because God is, not because we necessarily see with our eyes or touch with our hands. We walk with expectation of His manifested wonders, but are content to just be in His presence. Joy and blessing come even in the midst of the storms that rage around us, don't you think?

[*Oh my, how relevant these thoughts continue to be, and I'm still learning; still trusting and growing in my faith more than ever.]

Splendor In The Storm

Life seemed to shatter, yet hope was already on it's way... hope was already there before we were. I always pray, "Thank You heavenly Father that You know the beginning from the end and nothing ever takes You by surprise." This is not true for those of us in human form, is it? Our family has lived in a somewhat trauma-free environment compared to many families and we never wanted to consider the possibility of the shock that hit us in the face like a tsunami a little over four weeks ago. We've been through many personal storms in our lives and marriage, but nothing like the heartache that came on September 21, 2009.

It seemed to be a regular day; work was predictble and what a beautiful fall that had warmed up to a summery-like day. A couple of co-workers and I had made the commitment to start walking after work at least three times a week and that Monday afternoon was perfect. Little did I know what was taking place across town with my precious husband at football practice. I finished my walk and decided to call my parents on the way home to see how they were doing. Mom and I chatted light-heartedly until I drove up into the driveway. It was a good conversation and I was so thankful to hear that both mom and daddy were doing well. At 80 years of age, they are completely independent, of sound mind, and are remarkably well other than a few hurting parts. We can't help but keep a close check on them as they get older, but what a blessing I thought that day, that they are well. As far as I knew sickness or tragedy was the farthest thing from my reality for Darrell and me or our kids and grandkids. Everyone was doing well, weren't they? As I came into the house after my drive home my cell phone rang; my static-y, sometimes not-working-so-well cell phone. All I could hear after saying "hello" was "husband-ER-Hillcrest" with static all in between. I said, "MY HUSBAND?!" and my phone disconnected. Quickly I made myself think one of his players must have been injured during practice, but a sick feeling in the deepest part of me knew it was Darrell. Then before I could even process anything, my phone rang again and it was our pastor's secretary, Mary. She said, "Jeannie, we're just trying to find out what happened to Darrell." My hands began to shake and my mind reeled as this nightmare began to unfold right there in my living room and I was all alone. This can't be happening. Mary, stop talking; I need to not let this be happening. I can't take this in right now or EVER! I just said, "I don't know what has happened. No one has told me anything. What do you know?" "We think he's had a heart attack".... we think he's had a heart attack, a heart attack, a heart attack. Can you just stop talking?!! This is NOT true. I know what you are saying is not true. How can you tell me something this horrible? My thought process was bizarre. I started crying and Mary asked if someone could come get me. NO, I can't wait for someone to come get me. I must go NOW!! Where's my purse? I can't find my purse. Call Coby. I don't want to call my kids. They don't need to hurt like I am hurting, but I called my son. My emotions are unleashed and I tell him those awful words, "They say that Daddy is having a heart attack and they've taken him to Hillcrest Hospital, but I can't find my purse." Good grief! Who cares about a purse? My driver's license, my insurance card. Who cares? Nothing matters except that this cannot be true. I want my husband, the love of my life to be all right. He has to be all right! I head out with keys and cell phone, shaking, crying, praying and not able to think of words to pray. Thank God He knows what is in my heart! God help us!! My phone rings again and it's Amy. I'm still crying, driving with God's grace at the wheel. Now, I've given two of my kids something ELSE to potentially worry about and I know nothing to help them where their daddy is concerned. They comfort me as I drive and somehow I get to the hospital and run to the ER. My mind is in flight and I feel dizzy as I am led back to where I see my husband lying there with heart monitor all over the place and IV. Thankfully, he is not alone. Our pastor and two other coaches are with him; he smiles and I see him get a little choked up as he sees me and sees the fear that has wrapped it's ugly tentacles around my heart. I go to him and try to hug him amid the wires and I am encouraged at the sight of him. Coby comes a few minutes later and we are all talking about how maybe this whole incident happened because of dehydration and exhaustion. It had turned from fall to summer temps that day, so surely it wasn't his heart, but had to be the heat and the fact that he had been running scout team quarterback because he could or thought he could. Yes, that's it; just the heat and overexertion; we'll go home in a little while and he'll drink more water, eat better, exercise and so will I. We'll both get in better shape like we've been talking about for the last decade. Relief settles and then the cardiologist comes in with a copy of the read-out of Darrell's EKG. Stress test in the morning the ER doc had suggested, and another enzyme test had to be completed so we knew he'd stay overnight by now, but we thought that was just more hospital protocol; nothing that had to do with us; nothing to worry about. Dr. Garrido had more sobering news. He said there were a couple of little 'blips' on the EKG that he was not pleased with; wanted to look more closely and scheduled a heart cath. Still, just something more to confirm that Darrell is totally well; just needs to get back in shape. A wake-up call for our whole family, that's all. I notice our pastor and the coaches step out into the hall to talk, so I go out too. Their faces are serious and they invite me into their conversation. One of Darrell's volunteer coaches is also a doctor and he is saying words like 'blockage and stints'. "Worse case scenario" they say, "is we need to prepare for the game in case Darrell can't be there." I'm thinking, "Let's get in faith here. Of course, Darrell will be at the game. He just needs to get hydrated and he'll be fine. And even if he has to have a stint, the recovery is quick, isn't it?" We move up to a room on the sixth floor and after visiting for awhile and convinced that nothing serious is wrong, we decide it would be better for me to go home, sleep in a real bed and be refreshed when I come up for the heart cath. My sleep is restless, I pray and am committed to trust God no matter what. All is well with my soul; I am peaceful. I am peaceful! Yes, sometimes peace comes to our hearts in the darkest place of a storm, not just when it's over.

Tuesday came and Amy and her family were there along with Coby and his. Sara and Emily waited at home since we were sure at the most, their daddy would have a heart stint, but most likely all would be clear with a lecture about eating a more healthy diet. No more Dr. Peppers and daily M&M's along with Bush's Chicken. Yes, our lifestyle needed tweaking, but it would mostly go on as usual and our nightmare was about to end, wasn't it? They came for Darrell and I had a few tears and we waited. Coby, Amy and her kids and I went downstairs to eat breakfast, which had a lot to be desired where breakfasts are concerned, but it gave us something to do. Funny the things we remember in stressful situations; an awful breakfast and then life shattering news. The irony of it all. We waited in a little conference room for Dr. Garrido and he came to explain the heart cath. went well, but he had seen some concerning images. He showed us a video of Darrell's heart where a main artery was 60-70% blocked and there was 50% blockage as well on down that same artery. I think, how interesting this is, while simultaneously the reality of what he's about to say dawns. Open heart by-pass surgery and Darrell already knows and we're not with him. We are all led back to the heart cath. room and I see my husband cry. My heart is breaking for him and I feel helpless and no words come. I remember laying over him with our faces touching side to side and we cry together with no words. I finally say something like, "It's going to be OK. They can fix this and that's a good thing." Oh to be able to comfort his fear in some way. Lord help us! ... and He does, every step of the way. This is not what we wanted to hear, but God was already there and His ways are perfect in the middle of our imperfections. Coby and Amy were amazing! Coby was able to talk intelligently to the guys who work in the heart cath. lab and they were so kind and compassionate as they explained everything. The good news was that Darrell did not have a heart attack. His heart muscle was very good, but the worst part of the blockage was where the artery actually goes into the aorta so a stint was too risky. They called that kind of blockage "The Widow Maker" and I resented such a term being spoken into my ears or in the room where my family was sitting. In fact, I cast those cursed words down in the name of Jesus and declared my husband's healing in whatever way it was to come. Darrell was being healed because Jesus paid the price for it to be so and I was standing on that promise from I Peter 2:24 with all that was in me and I wasn't budging one iota. After Darrell was moved up to his room on the sixth floor, he got a somewhat good meal and we waited for Dr. McBride, our surgeon, to come talk to us about the upcoming surgery. We liked him from the beginning and decided that he and Dr. Garrido were two of our new heros. Darrell asked McBride if this surgery was really necessary since he actually felt good; it was football season and he had a game to go to on Friday. Dr. McBride said, "I'll tell you this. Your surgery is urgent enough that we won't let you go home until we fix this." 'Nuff said. The doctor also said that they would work his surgery in the next evening... EVENING?!! All day to have to think about it; a doctor who is tired by that time, but enough time for our youngest daughter, Emily, to arrive to hug her daddy before he left for the OR. Our pastor came again and prayed with us and Mark Wible who is one of the pastors at Highland and the TCA basketball coach came every day. People were calling and praying and loving us from the time Darrell got sick on the football field, all the way through; every step of the way through this hard place for any family to walk. Again, another restless night as I thought and prayed. Sara had come the evening of the 22nd and after talking for awhile we all went to bed. Around 4:00 on Wednesday morning, I couldn't sleep and then I thought how nice it would be to get to the hospital before anyone else so Darrell and I could spend some time with just the two of us before his surgery. I needed to cuddle up with him where we could put our arms around each other and I wanted to pray over him. This would not happen; God is more than enough and we saw the reality of this over and over again. At 4:30 am the phone rang, but I was in the shower. Sara answered and then knocked on the door and yelled, "They have moved dad's surgery up to 7:00 am. We have to hurry if we're going to see him before they come for him at around 6:30." Let's just say, there was a flurry of activity in the Selke house and with damp hair and no makeup I was in the car and driving toward the hospital before 5:30. We did not have our cuddle time, and the saddest thing was that our Emily, though driving as fast as she dared, could not get there before 7:00 and did not get to love on her daddy before he left his room that day. They talked on the phone and he said, "See you in a couple days." She could barely drive because of her tears. God sees the big picture though, doesn't He? Darrell was able to get his surgery overwith and not have to think about it for a whole entire day, the surgeon was fresh with a clear mind and steady hand, and looking back we see how God's favor and blessing; His loving-kindness was moving and this September day was full of blessing. Even Emily was ultimately happy that we didn't have to wait all day for the outcome. My sweet friend, Teresa, came and spent the morning with us in the waiting room, a friend from Amy's high school church camp days brought breakfast, and friends and family stopped by, called, and were praying during the surgery and every day while Darrell was in ICU. We saw the love of Jesus in action through the Body of Christ whether near or far away. The surgery went well, what was broken got fixed, but the pain was not over for my dear husband. He doesn't remember the agony...praise God, but we saw glimpses of it and his suffering almost brought me to my knees on one occasion. Without the comfort of my children and friends like Teresa and Judy, I'm not sure how I could have endured; especially that first day after surgery. Another friend, Tammy, brought food for our whole family so we could just heat it up for dinner and some of our lifegroup friends stopped by just so they could listen, hold us and pray for us. There were friends of Coby's who we had never met and they came to sit with him and us. They just cared and caring meant so much. Nieces and nephews came by or called to check on us and all the hospital staff from administrators to nurses were attentive and compassionate. I will never forget their care for one of the dearest treasures of my life.

Improvement has come daily during the last four weeks with only one major glitch on a Sunday afternoon, but even that was quickly resolved and we are seeing the reality of healing and comfort and renewed strength. "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me [us] all the days of my [our] life." "Surely, I will see His goodness in the land of the living." ... And I have!