Admitting I Am Truly A Cracked Pot...

Have you ever read that little book, "God Uses Cracked Pots"? Well, I am one of those. Hopefully, there is Light that shines through here and there; yet nevertheless, here I am, cracked and so imperfect! I'm thankful that I could say some things in my last 'grumbling' blog entry that was relatable to probably most mothers in America. Those feelings and observations were true in my mind... but were they loving? That is the question I've had to ask myself over the last several days. The greatest commandment God ever gave was for us to love Him with all our hearts, souls, and strength; to love our neighbors as ourselves. Who is our neighbor? Could it be our husbands and children? Those precious gifts from God given to us for a lifetime; for eternity? We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people and I'm wondering if when I voiced my frustration with my family; wasn't this a form of self-focus; somehow being puffed up; exalting me rather than finding a place to honor and value my family? God knows they could write a tribute to my inadequacies, flaws, mistakes, and sarcastic comments... but they didn't. Of course, stuff happens that is unfair; misunderstandings, unloving words and actions occur; especially in a family. Not only do we all deal with our flesh, but we have an enemy who loves to drop little whispers of dissension, bitterness, and self-pity in our ears to cause disunity. Afterall, the family is God-ordained; a picture of Christ and His Church; a place to practice having a servant heart toward others. A family is a place to grow and to be changed more and more into the image of Jesus... the greatest servant of all. Our adversary, the devil, hates Jesus and he hates you and me as well. He "comes to steal, kill, and destroy; but Jesus came to give life and that more abundantly". The phrase "What would Jesus do?" has become a meaningless cliche to many; yet there is so much Truth in that question. I would do well to consider it before blogging. :0) Please forgive me Darrell for the things I might have said that dishonored you; forgive me Coby, Amy, Sara, and Emily for becoming defensive when surely anything you've ever said or done was not meant to harm or hurt me. Thank you for forgiving me when I've said or done things that hurt you. I am thankful and very humbled that God could still use my transparency to bring about a camaraderie among mothers, young and old; to let us all know there is nothing new under the sun. We all struggle with big and seemingly trivial things in our marriages and in relationships with our children; whether they are still babies or all grown up. That is life. However the question is, for all of us I think... Will we choose to love unconditionally even when it's hard or just when we are being affirmed; when we 'feel' loved and valued? We are all changing and growing in our families, aren't we? Growing in love and honor and blessing toward each other is the principle thing, I believe. Lord help me to do better; to love with Your uncompromising and unconditional love. Lord, be glorified in our families that others might see You more... and us less. God bless whoever reads this today. Please understand that I am still on a journey and that sometimes I get tired and stumble... and not very gracefully at that.

Standing in the Shadows... or I Don't Know What!

I wonder if this is true about all men or just my four punkin seeds' daddy? To be sure, he is a wonder. The things he can get by with... that I can't, are no less than astounding at times. He has always been a favorite of his little princesses; a hero to his son... as it should be. He has always been their 'knight in shining armor' and has surely had the wisdom of a prophet in their eyes; the man who could rescue them from any earthly dragon. I'm sure their perspective has alot to do with the fact that I was a common occurance on a daily basis; he was a rare and wonderful surprise who popped in with his happy-go-lucky demeanor. Always playful; never demanding anything; always there with a generous hand whether our bank account actually had a balance or not. Whatever they want they get... short of him REALLY hanging the moon for them of course. If I am listening to a favorite song and they think it's boring; the radio station gets changed. If they dropped the ball on an obvious and well-known responsibility, "it's OK". They're too tired; too busy; need to have more fun and less work or just didn't understand. I would say, "Get a job." and he would say, "They're only kids once." I would say "No driving until you have a license." He would give them the keys.... afterall we lived in a small town, so "what could it hurt?" I would say, "This is your last warning!" He would watch them do it again and say, "Don't let your mama know." What am I; chopped liver?!! However, I will say, at those few times he would demand obedience or respect or give correction, our kids would listen up. He could do more good with one phrase than I could with the wisdom of a thousand words given seven days a week just to help them survive until adulthood. My husband can be bored out of his mind at a meeting, family gathering or public function; sit there like a bump on a pickle and not say a word unless someone wants to talk to him about football, and he is lauded as the life of the party; the wise one; the mentor of youth in America. I can voice a comment alluring to a small frustration and my kids will come to bat for their daddy; jump on me like chickens on a junebug, sure I am jumping to unfounded conclusions. They are sure that whatever their daddy does is right and most likely understandable; from leaving his socks in a ball and apple cores on the floor in the living room; to spending much needed time sleeping in front of a blaring TV. It is true that he works alot of hours and goes the extra mile when it comes to his job. He will truly drop everything to help someone who asks... well, almost anyone. Need I tell you the hours that mothering demands? I will not even go there. Funny, the sympathy this man of my dreams receives as he falls exhausted into his trusty recliner with everyone's blessing, yet I get tired and am mockingly told that I am getting 'old'. I turn up the TV a notch and reference to becoming elderly is once again spoken over me. Never mind the brain-cell-destroying volume I endured as they were growing up.

I try to diligently work in my home to make it an orderly, beautiful and inviting retreat for all who enter our door; have spent years learning and improving my ability to do these things and keeping my home is something I honestly enjoy and find rewarding. In turn, I am laughed at for my clean and tidy habits. Trying to get everything done each morning before I go to work is not always successful, so there are things left to do on the weekends. Just the other day, I remembered some garden tools that were left out, so I went to put them away; fed the dogs while I was at it; loaded the dishwasher and started the laundry. I had fixed a nice breakfast for my family earlier and at some point I went out to sweep the porch; all of which I thought needed to be done while my dear husband and our youngest and her husband enjoyed watching ESPN for awhile before we had more company. As I walked through the living room, I again was mocked and accused of 'pacing', rather than any acknowledgement of accomplishing anything worthwhile. Ah well, at least the tools were put away, clean towels were on the way, the dogs were fed, there would be a clean counter free of the breakfast mess, and less cobwebs and leaves for grandbabies to munch on while playing out on the porch. I heard a little song recently regarding the quirks of some dear people and thought it was actually funny... until I later thought to myself.... "I wonder what my verse says?" and then it wasn't funny any longer. I am still trying to be a good wife/mother/grandmother, but I fall short so many times. I wish I were more fun, cuter, more 'with it', but I am me. I keep plugging along, doing what I think is best; working hard at what I am called to, even though there is no monetary value or payment for it. I keep loving how my kids love and respect my sweet husband and wondering how he gets by with stuff. One evening as we took two sleepy and cranky grandbabies home to put them to bed and after realizing the extra pack-'n-play had been left in a car that wasn't where we were; one of my girls called their daddy thinking maybe he would stop watching a football game with the boys and bring it. He surprisingly said, "Just lay him on a bed with pillows around him when he goes to sleep. He'll be fine." She thought how funny her daddy was. Am I funny when I give instructional and/or practical advice like that? I don't think so! That man! :0)

Regarding my Two Heavenly Grandchildren...

I wrote this as a comment for Amy on her blog, but didn't know when you might check your comments again since it's been a few days since your entry concerning your memory boxes for your babies who have gone to heaven early. I so much wanted you to be encouraged by what I felt God was showing me concerning you and them. It was so beautiful, though once again, I wonder if words can adequately describe such glorious happenings. I love you Amy.

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It's taken me a few days to know what to say Amy. I think of your two heavenly babies so often. I think about how old they'd be in this time frame; I wonder what they look like and do they somehow know from where they live that they are loved so much here on earth as well? I mostly think happy thoughts about those two. I think they are probably good buddies and that they are having so much fun playing and growing in the Lord. No cares, no worldly struggles, never a tear or a sad moment for eternity already. I'm sure they know Grandpa Andrick, Granny and Pap, and Corey's dad. I'm sure of it! I miss them too, but hasn't God been so gracious to give all of us a very real glimpse of the reality of heaven because your babies were here and have gone on to be with Him? Our temptation... or I should say... MY temptation is to get so attached to earthly possessions and experiences at times. I think the lives of your little ones who we have yet to meet, have brought my perspective into balance. I can more easily say, "Come quickly Lord Jesus!" and not grieve for more time in this realm. I think that is something that certainly changes with age as well. I'm thankful that we do not grieve as those who have no hope. (I Thess. 4:13-18) Here is a picture of what I think God has shown me for you today sweet girl; a vision of a moment that is still to come; I see you on that day of the trumpet of God when we are all taken up together; certainly we rejoice and are in awe of the face of Jesus; certainly that would be enough to last all eternity long, but He takes pleasure in seeing you meet your babies face to face as well. I see you... and Corey too; clothed in white with a heavenly glow on your faces; you're running through the happy crowd with an expectation that is more certain than anything you've ever known and then you see them! They see you and know you; they run with laughter and smiles right into your arms. Oh sweet reunion!!

Musings of a Coach's Wife...

I am pondering my life right now; at exactly 4:16 PM on a Monday afternoon, I'm thinking about what is hard and flipping that over to see how blessed I really am. Fall is one of my most favorite seasons for alot of reasons and in fact, this last weekend was great with cool breezes, a Southern Living party with girlfriends out on our screened porch, some rewarding yardwork, a visit with one of my little granddaughters, and MUCH needed time with my husband.... with him actually awake. Football season is the worst for perfecting our communication skills let me tell you; but it's only a season that lasts from August through November. My sweetheart, who I have loved for the last 38 years, is bone tired during those months and very focused on high school football. So many responsibilities in a world I am not really involved with, other than attending most of his football games. He has a circle of friends and co-workers I am barely familiar with and though I am the most intmatly acquainted person on earth with this man, I sometimes feel estranged at some level. I see him only from a distance it sometimes seems... but I do get to see him and I love what he does. I love that so many people respect and honor him; I love that he has a positive influence on kids and that he is mentoring young men who help him coach. At the same time, I wrestle with loneliness in the deepest part of who I am and often fight off a bit of depression because of our seasonal disconnection.... and if I am honest, and I will be honest... bitterness tries to raise it's ugly head, but we'll have none of that. I've got the scoop on that lying spirit and I love Darrell Lee Selke way too much to let the busyness of his life cause a root of bitterness to have it's way in me. That's happened before in our younger years and it's a pit I do not wish to have to climb out of again. I am learning that it is better to do something; anything productive rather than sit in a chair watching a TV show or movie under the guise of "spending time together" while he's really sleeping. Just to sit there waiting for him to wake up only causes all the afore mentioned oppressive attributes to fester, causing my good perspective on life to get somewhat distorted and out of focus. Saturday when this familiar scenario began I decided to leave; not out of anger or bitterness, but out of the desire to stay loving and kind-hearted toward my man. FYI... you must understand that this husband of mine had only slept for about 6 hours total in the last two nights; so sleeping was not something he had control over; it was something he truly needed. So he slept and never knew I was gone until about two hours later. I did some shopping and went over to my son's house and so enjoyed my time with him, Adrielle, and their little Miss Skyler. It was refreshing to sit out around their fire pit for a good visit. Adrielle cooked hotdogs, Skyler and I went to play on her swingset, and Coby tried to keep from burning down the house with his manly fire. ha-ha I love being with family and being together with them is always encouraging and life-giving to my soul. Darrell called while I was there and had slept well, but was surprised that he hadn't realized I'd left. However, we're all the better for it I believe. I was so glad to see him when I returned; the sadness had lifted and there was no frustration with our circumstances. Sunday morning we sat out in the backyard snuggled up on the glider with those cool fall breezes blowing our cares away. We talked and dreamed together; held each other and I loved being once again cradled in his arms. He knew I was there and feeling the reality of his care and attention took my breath away; as though our hearts had touched that place when love was new. We're still making memories and I love this man I married. If we could go back in time I would marry him all over again .

It'll Knock Your Socks Off!

I am involved in the most exciting Bible study I have ever done thus far in my walk with Jesus... bar none! I'm not kidding! Beth Moore is an incredible Bible teacher and has insight that could only be divinely imparted. She is so relatable, funny, and has a way of teaching that hits the spot every time. Last night we learned about Daniel chapter 8, which has always been "Greek to me", but I am beginning to understand; it is somewhat like a light fading on instead of off; getting brighter and more clear as each week passes by. Amazing... especially if you know what kind of student I normally have been since about the 4th grade. Known for having the attention span of a 5 year old... as an adult; disjointed thought patterns that I'm sure make my brain look much like a crazy quilt; brightly colored with no apparent order. Needless to say; I am pumped not only by what I am hearing, but by the fact that I am actually retaining the information being poured into my head at a new and surprising level. I am seeing God's Spirit get through to my heart in a fresh way. This is phenomenal! A room full of women are learning and understanding beyond anything I've ever experienced regarding the subject of eschatology (the study of end time events) and living with integrity in a Babylonian culture.... long story. Our discussion last night went smoothly and it seemed easy for everyone to open up and share their hearts. I LOVE this study! Last night's video session was no less than amazing; almost overwhelming with all the information that was jam-packed into my little brain. I think it was kinda like gulping down a bucket of water as fast as possible; gasping for breath in between every few swallows. However, everything came together in the end and the realization that Daniel 8 is historical and we; you and I, are now in the "church age" that began with Acts chapter 2. We're on! It's our time, our era. We are the dot on the timeline right NOW... what are we going to do with that? A sobering question. Beth Moore challenged us to "live with purpose", not in mediocrity and apathy concerning the signs of the times; not to get caught up in the hum-drum of daily stuff, so much so that we miss out on this wild and glorious ride with Him; but rather run with the Most High God wherever He is going. We are seeing through our study that everything that was prophecy to Daniel in chapter 8; is history to us to the tiniest detail... now it's our turn; front and center with the King of Kings and Lord of Lords! What are we going to do about it? That question has rolled over and over in my mind as I was driving home last night and on waking up this morning. God knows our hearts and our desire to please Him. He will lead us by His Spirit and give us grace to be and do what He has planned for us, won't He? I am more excited about the future than I've ever been; I love God's Word more than I ever have. Our goal is to understand and love God more deeply and I see that happening in every single woman who is consistently coming to Bible study week after week. Understanding the battle we are in and where our adversary, the devil, is attacking us individually in order to wear us down, is actually giving us better insight into how the Lord is fighting the battle of our lives as we allow Him to do it; resulting in the total destruction of the plans of the enemy. In Daniel 7, it talks about the "little horn" with a big boastful and arrogant mouth. Daniel was in awe of the audacity of this creature; that he would speak with such boldness in the very presence of the Most High God. Of course, the end of this lying and deceitful one is inevitable. He will be smashed to powder with the very breath of God and the splendor of His coming. Because of the rebellion and evil oppression this slime-ball has brought against the people of God, the end of him will be sure and certain; no doubt about it. Though life is many times very hard and circumstances become overwhelming (we learned the word 'oppress' literally means 'to wear away' or 'wear out' as one would wear out a garment); knowing that this oppressive behavior is a strategic move of the enemy of our souls; somehow this helps me to have faith in God to deliver, strengthen, and make way for victory. Did I tell you I LOVE this study? So freeing! I honestly do not know why this is called a "women's" study. I know for a fact that my son and sons-in-law would devour what I am learning. I have some real history buffs in my family and they would eat this up like biscuits and gravy on a camp-out. I've never thought about loving history, but I find myself utterly intrigued with how God has orchestrated His divine will throughout the ages. He knows how to tell time and time is in His hands. He's not surprised by anything and knows the beginning from the end like the back of His hand. He knows what kingdoms will rise up and when they will fall. He's the boss of it all and I find great comfort in knowing that fact. Well, how's that for an overview of a Beth Moore study over the book of Daniel thus far... in a nutshell of course? I am just so excited about learning and feel that my heart and brain might just explode at given moment.

I'm Tagged... re: My Man!

1. Who is your man? Darrell Lee Selke
2. How long have you been together? married 37 years
3. How long did you date? About a year with a six month break-up in between.
4.How old is your man? 57
5. Who eats more? I'm not sure.
6. Who said "I love you" first? He did.
7. Who is taller? He is.
8. Who sings better? We both sing
9. Who is smarter? He is as far as remembering facts, math, etc.
10. Whose temper is worse? Mine.
11. Who does the laundry? Me
12. Who takes out the garbage? Sometimes he helps.
13. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? I do.
14. Who pays the bills? I do.
15. Who is better with the computer? We're about even I think
16. Who mows the lawn? We both do, but I think I enjoy it more.
17. Who cooks dinner? If we are home... I do... IF I cook at all.
18. Who drives when you are together? We both do whether he's behind the wheel or not. ha
19. Who pays when you go out? He does.
20. Who is most stubborn? On second thought, we'd come in about even on this one.
21. Who is the first to admit when they are wrong? I am. He never thinks he is wrong.
22. Whose parents do you see the most? Mine. His are in heaven. That would be quite a trip.
23. Who kissed who first? It was mutual.
24. Who asked who out? He asked me.
25. Who proposed? He did.
26. Who is more sensitive? I am more openly sensitive, but Darrell is moved with compassion for sure.
27. Who has more friends? He knows a lot of people, but I think neither one of us have alot of really close friends. We're working on that one.
28. Who has more siblings? I do; two sisters and Darrell has one brother.
29. Who wears the pants in the family? Definitely Darrell. Our marriage works better when it is him leading and we like it that way!